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Thursday, May 25, 2006

Sometimes, you have to let people go.

I was never comfortable with letting go. Maybe it is due to the fact that I was in denial that despite the things I've done, my sacrifices, I still have to set him free. How do you let go of someone you seriously love? He was the only man I ever imagined having a future with and now he was about to disappear from my midst.

March 10, 2006, last day of classes for the undergraduates. I gathered all the courage I have and told him how I've been loving him all these time. It was a nerve-wracking thing. To release all the pent-up emotions I've been carrying with me. After that he told my friend he likes me and that kept my hopes up. We text a lot, telling him how much I miss him and even telling him I love him. I was in cloud nine. Then suddenly everything stopped. No texts, no phone calls. The first few weeks I tried reaching him but it all failed. I found myself calling and texting his number every now and then but I'm just getting more disappointed so I stopped.

Then I came to my senses. I figured that this is really time for me to let go of him. There comes a time when life tells you this chapter has ended and it's time to start another one. I know it is the right thing to do. But somehow, it's the most difficult thing I've ever had to deal with. I've decided to let go of the baggage because I know that is the only way I can be happy. There was no way of forgetting that Kim was gone and was never coming back.

Though not quite healed, I have gathered strength along with painful and wise realizations. I shouldn't fret too much about saying goodbye. There is always a purpose why a person brings love your way then takes it away with him when he leaves. Goodbyes should never signify an end. It is life's way of telling it is time to turn the page and to start a new chapter. Perhaps moving on is not really about obliterating wounds of the past but accepting these wounds and learning to live once again. Letting go I think, ultimately, is an expression of self-love.

And sooner or later, we find, in the middle of all the turmoil, letting go is the first step towards someone or something bigger.

A few days from now I'll be entering college world. excited and a little scared. I don't know what's in store for me. Will I still be loving him? Will our paths cross again? I have no idea. Only time will tell. As of now, I have great friends, a loving family. I have four years of my life behind me. I have the rest of my life before me. I won't have it any other way. :-)

"Leaning into evenings I toss my sad nets
To that sea which stirs your ocean eyes
The night birds peck at the first stars
That twinkle like my soul as I love you."

Song Playin': Bellefire's Art Of Letting Go

Last Updated @ 2:11 PM

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Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Wala naman.Got a new hairstyle yesterday... Loooooove it to death! Hahahaha! Thanks Mabel! And VM praised me for my new looks. Kaw rin VM, trendsetters and fashion icons?! Hehehe. Love my hair. Love VM. Love Mabel. Love myself. I rule!!! :-)

Song Playin': Creed's What's This Life For?

Last Updated @ 6:49 PM

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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Yipee!!! I just got a new phone today! Samsung E700. Sooooo yapee! :-) Makaka-text na ulit ako ng todo... I miss all my friends. So muuuuuuch! Aalagaan ko na nga 'tong phone ko para 'di na mawala ulit! Hehehehe.

Dare You To Move
sung by Switchfoot

Welcome to the planet
Welcome to existence
Everyone's here
Everyone's here
Everybody's watching you now
Everybody waits for you now
What happens next?
What happens next?
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before
Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
The tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself
Lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened
Today never happened before

Hays. This song very much reflects the situation I'm in right now. I really have TO MOVE like TODAY NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE. :'(

Song Playin': Rachelle Ann Go's I Care

Last Updated @ 11:51 AM

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Monday, May 08, 2006

I feel so low, so down... I was going through my account in friendster when I stumbled upon Wednesday's profile (Yup, she's the girl in the pic above). Saw her testimonials. I saw this line from Julie Anne (whoever that damn person is!), "May crush sa kanya si *** ***** (christmas party)" Duh. I obviously know who *** ***** is! Ansakit! Everything's not right between me and my mom tapos dadagdag pa 'to. Darnit! I feel so bad. Sooooo baaaaad. ='( I hate her to the highest level. Call me a biatch, call me insecure, call me envious, call me whatever you want but this is how I feel. There's nothing I can do to change this no matter how hard I try. Para sa'kin, maarte siya. Don't get me wrong. Maarte naman talaga siya e. Just look at her barkada na lang. I'm not judging her or anyone in their group for that matter. I'm not the ONLY person in the world saying this nasty thing about 'em. I can't stand seeing her picture. It makes me want to beat the crap out of her. (And why did I still post her picture? Wala lang. Hanglabo ko.) Hangsama ko ba? Tsss. Sabi nila she's pretty. Yeah, medyo. Pero hindi ganun kaganda like other girls. Malaki pa mata niya. Hahahaha. God, mapanlait na 'ko masyado nito. Forgive me. I just can't stand her. Everything about her. Bitch. Thank God wala na 'ko sa Marya.

Kayo kilala niyo ba si *** *****?

Song Playin': Carrie Underwood's Jesus Take The Wheel

Last Updated @ 2:43 PM

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Saturday, May 06, 2006

Crap. Nanakaw 'yung cel ko kahapon. Darnit! Lintek na katulong yan! Grrrr... Hays. I can't afford to lose a cellphone... NOT NOW! Karma ba 'to? VM tell me... ='( I don't know what to do anymore. Hindi ko rin alam kung kailan ulit ako makakabili ng cel. Leche talaga! They said that it's all part of God's plan. Yeah I know. Andun na 'ko. Pero... Naman. Urk. Bahala na. I dunno what's gonna happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on. Bahala na si Batman. Bahala na si God.

Song Playin': Dashboard Confessional's So Beautiful

Last Updated @ 3:41 PM

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Thursday, May 04, 2006

Soooobrang saya! Nagparamdam ulit si kuya Paulo after how many months. Balik na ulit ang barkadahan namin nila Rhu, Kat at Pau! Great! :) They fetched me at home at around 5pm pero 5:20 na kami umalis ng house. We headed to Mcdo to eat. Gutom na kasi kami. We're late for the 6pm Mass. We got there 6:30 na, tapos na nga 'yung homily e. Hehehe. After that is the Awarding. We got the trophy for the overall champion of this year's Sportsfest for the 12th consecutive year! Soooo happy! =) Hosanna Choir really is still unbeat! Mabuhay ang Hosanna! 1st runner rin pala kami sa cheering. CYO ang champ e. Aminado ko maganda talaga yung kanila. Super! Hehehe. May victory party after nun but I went home na gabi na kasi e. Got home at around 10pm. Hays. Sobrang pagod na 'ko. Gotta sleep na! :-)

Song Playin': Switchfoot's Star

Last Updated @ 3:59 PM

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Tuesday, May 02, 2006

*I bought the latest ish of Candy. It features hotties Yael and Gio. Kilig!

*Mom went home with an ice cream as pasalubong. How did she know I really needed ice cream at this time of my life? Love my ice cream. Love my mom.

*I've been using Pond's Detox cream for one week now and I'm suuuuuper lovin' it! Try nyo, it might also work wonders for you.

*I so can't wait for the Sportsfest 2006 awarding on Wednesday. I wonder if we'll bag the trophy as the overall champion for the 12th consecutive year. Hmmm.

*Been anticipating the third season of The OC. I miss Summer. I miss Seth. I miss Marissa. Hays. May 16, now that seems like a month. Hangtagal.

*I texted Kim, no reply. I called his phone, out of covearge area. Argh. Miss him, love him. Love him, miss him. So much. And it's tearing me apart.

*It's Joe's birthday bash today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOE!!! Yippe! 17 ka na! Big hugs to you! *hugs* Thanks for inviting me kanina, I really had fun. Sa uulitin. Hahaha. Love you Joe! :-)

Song Playin': Firelane's I'm in love.

Last Updated @ 2:33 PM

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Monday, May 01, 2006

I've been a warrior my entire life, conquering every obstacle that come my way, battling not just my own timorousness but also of the people I love. I've been very strong in all aspects of life but it is true that behind every great woman is a child who needs strength. My knees feel weak. I'm about to fall down. I've been facing these inner struggles all by myself but there are times when my inner strength could no longer contain the grief I was feeling. "Magiging okay ka rin." Nuff said. No. I;m not okey. It's not okey. Nothing's gon' be okey. I know it for a fact. ='(

April 30, Sunday, 2:46 pm

Cis: Sige... Basta 'wag ka nang maging martir ha?
Me: Ano bang martir sa'yo tol?
Cis: Ikaw. 'Yung quiet ka pa rin kahit nahihirapan ka na.

='(

I don't know what's running through his mind. Hanglabo kasi niya e. Sooooobra. Iba 'yung sinasabi ni friend sa nakikita ko with him. And I'm caught in a dilemma. I have plans of quitting the choir. It's never gonna be easy. It's been part of my life. i've got two reasons, First is because of him. Ayoko na siya makita. Lalo lang ako nasasaktan. Second is because I'm not happy anymore. Why stay in a group you know you're no longer happy? But I love God so much that I know throught his choir I will continue singing His praises. I just can't quit the choir and then go from here and pretend like it was the right decision. Andami kong family problems to deal with. Sometimes though, I wish they're not my family. Don't get me wrong. I love them. Sooooo much! But they're really getting to me! Crap. Si Eunice pa may problem. How I wanted to hug her real tight and tell her things have a way of working out for the best but how I was the one who needed comforting all along. Jesus, I don't know if I can still walk. I need you.

Song Playin': Michelle Branch's Breathe

Last Updated @ 7:13 PM

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